Hello

I always plan on writing and then don’t. I always wish to be known as a writer but what I’ve come to be is not that and both of these notions I am completely ok with. However, there is something more I want to convey and I don’t exactly know where to do it or how or when. I know the why and the what but I don’t know the model in which to do so. I want to explain myself in depth or better yet, I want to understand myself at depth.

Almost all of my work in music has sprung from the wish to know myself. Partially in a metaphysical sense but I actually think it is into a foundational concrete arena that I am driven. I want to actually understand what the hell is going on in my brain. I want to know why it does what it does and doesn’t do what I want it to do. There are so many paths to this that are available. Instagram gives us an invariable amount of snake oil-crystal holding-tarot slinging prototype warlocks and white witches. More than we can count on our hands and feet, selling us self help to reach the new God Consciousness. They literally number in the thousands. Everyone offering a piece of peace or a notion of a higher consciousness, a calling to the inner child that has been repressed. That is not to say there is anything wrong with these paths other than I know for certain they won’t and cant lead me to anything I am looking for. If they work for you than God bless. The problem is that don’t address the question and questions I have.

I am looking for an answer to the existential question. The one that can’t have an answer and in accepting it’s answer we actually are able to start a path. The simple fact is that none of us get out alive. The happy ending is not that we somehow vanquish the devil at the end of the story but we somehow learn to hold its hand and walk quietly and willing into the long good night. The answer is, that there is no answer. We can only accept out current state of affairs, in so far as that we were born and we must die. Im not saying we don’t have control or free will or any of that good stuff which I won’t get into right now, what I am dealing with is our fundamental and non exceptional truth that we are finite to the best of our knowledge and all we touch is finite.

We can and will, as I do, hypothesize and day dream about my soul and my connection to whatever afterlife there may be. Culturally I am Catholic. What I mean is that all my spiritually training and foundational understanding about creation and afterlife were formed in the context of christianity both at home and in a country who is wholly Christian. I can’t help but think of things in terms of Heaven, Hell, Spirit, Ghost, Virgin Mary and Jesus. They are the building blocks which I have been given or were born into. Over time and at times I have invested in these as archetypes and have found meaning and even peace in a lot of the ideas and placed faith in aspects of the judeo Christian model. When I was younger I prayed. It feels weird to admit it, almost as if I am in someway ashamed that I once did what the masses did. Maybe ashamed that I bought into something that I know goes so intimately against who I am as a person. I’m queer and the entire notion of my being is fundamentally contrary to all three major Judeo Christian religions. There is no way to side step it. There is no way to sugar coat it. They do not and will not accept that non-heterosexuality is not a sin. There are delicate dances of word performed in order to create a church that is more modern but at the very end of the day they all do believe that my being and the beingness of millions of people is wholly immoral and in need of rescue or worse repentance. None the less I live in the West and my understanding in which I come to accept “God as an old white man who dishes our cosmic justice” is to some extent unmovable. I’ve come to accept that this is true just as much of my youth is based on Disney fairy tales. These fairy tales have been told for thousands of years but in my understanding I see them as Disney characters. When I see Cinderella, Im seeing the cartoon and Gus Gus and that awfully mean kitty. When I see creation and “spirituality” I see it through a Christian lense regardless of if it is my current belief system. This is the way that I think a lot of us see the world or at least people in my time and of my age. We can’t help but have started with this blue print.

When we take this frame into new forms of thought from different parts of the world we almost unknowingly bring our concepts of God with us and thats ok, it’s part of our story. To start on our path I think we must accept who we are, what we are and with what we have been encumbered. There is no way to know where our work lies if we don’t know what we are carrying. We need to know the weight of what we have before we can decided if we even need to do anything. Some of us are further along than we think and many of us have a lot further to go than we know. Accepting that we are starting from where we are is really the only place we can start. Seeing the existential net that we are caught in is the magnifying glass to which we can examine out predicament. We are born and we die, that is truth. What we do in the middle is our mystery.